How the heck are ya? Me, I'm great, thanks for asking. Believe it or not, our time together is almost at an end! Next week will be the final update, but man is it going to be an absolute doozy. Let's not get ahead of ourselves, though... your week 4 'Stache Update!
The Mugshot
Lip Service
"The Stragler." That is the name of my week 4 mustache. You know that kid in gym glass who would always be a couple steps behind everyone else? Always the first one eliminated in "Red Light-Green Light"? A bit developmentally challenged, and just generally out of it? Yeah, the same kid who really sucked at Phonics. Well, that's my 'stache.
No amount of dieting, exercise, encouragement, coercing or punishment (yes, I may have tried to punish my mustache) is going to help this guy. He's just special. God put him on my face to make others feel better about themselves. Honestly. Google image search "worst mustache," "awful mustache," "terrible mustache," and "disgusting mustache"... I defy you to find one worse than mine. Really, try it.
It's OK, though, I'm coping. I mean, I never expected it to look good. But there was an inkling of hope, somewhere down deep. While that hope is now dashed, I remind myself that my failure as a mustache grower is a child's success in the classroom. (We've funded a second project, btw!) And that's what gets me through the day.
Those of you who don't see me on a regular basis may be surprised to hear that my mustache is not growing alone. Oh no, he has an accomplice. A partner in crime; aiding, abetting and whatnot. That's right, I'm also growing... (drum roll)... a mullet! I figure if you're going to look like a goon, you might as well do it right. And I am doing it right. I can't honestly say it began on purpose (which is why I will soon be the proud owner of a handheld mirror), but once it began I decided to let it ride. Which leads me to the special request I received a few weeks back from one of our generous donors. I'd be remiss not to oblige. I present to you, Matt Dirt!
Man, it must'a stormed somethin' fierce last night, 'cause that Kentucky Waterfall is flowin'!
Mustache Microscope
DISCLAIMER: This section contains mustache images of a graphic nature. Those with a history of heart disease, women who are pregnant or nursing, and those afflicted with vertigo should avert their gaze.
It's baaa-ack! You know you missed it ;) This week, I thought I'd spotlight the non-Cool Hand side of my 'stache. It's been paying its dues, but never gets any of the member benefits. So here ya go.
Notice the unity. The overlapping whiskers work together to trap light, making the region appear darker that it otherwise would. Yes, the whole truly is greater than the sum of its parts.
And what about Ol' Cool Hand? It's been a while since we've heard from him. Well, that's because Ol' Cool Hand sprung the coop! That's right, he busted free! No need to fret, though, Cool Hand is having himself one heck of a time. Matter of fact, he sent me this postcard just the other day. That ol' dog!
'Stache Stats
(In order not to spoil the final growth totals, I'm withholding statistics for this week. You'll get a full report next time, I promise.)
For the third iteration, the mustache data was fed into Cal-Berkley's supercomputer. The Adam Morrison-match probability has dropped somewhat, due to the lack of remaining grow time. I think I would have caught him in another couple weeks, but this 'stache isn't sticking around to find out. Upon recalculation, the computer parsed its database for a mustache equally feeble, but further underdeveloped. The week 4 'stache match is... Emperor Hirohito. NOTE: evilness is not factored into the calculations.
See you at the finish line,
Matt "Mo Staches Mo Problems"
1 comment:
GROSS
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