Lip Service
"The Highwayman." Robbing stagecoaches and such. That's how my week 2 'stache makes me feel. A little surly. A bit of an outlaw. People can't quite figure out where I'm coming from, and they're a tad uneasy in my presence. No clear-thinking, reasonable individual would allow that to be on his face. He must have some crossed wiring. He must have nothing to lose.
The good news is that the existing whiskers are growing steadily. The bad news is that they are alone in their efforts. As feared, my upper lip is suffering from Latent Follicle Syndrome (LFS, for short). Apparently there are a bunch of whiskers who didn't get the memo about puberty. "Oh, were you talking to us 14 years ago? (OK, OK, six years ago)" they ask, naively. You can see them just peeking out, being very noncommital about the whole thing. I can't really blame them, though; they're the smart ones. Hangin' back, chillin' out. Not having to worry about when the next gleaming metal blade is coming to mow them down.
Oh, but if I could only convice them! If they could only see what their participation means! Forget healthy eating (that didn't happen anyway), it's time for Rockne-esque motivational speeches. Additionally, I'm now watching this video every night before bed. Keep your fingers crossed that week 3 will bring more favorable results.
Mustache Microscope
DISCLAIMER: This section contains mustache images of a graphic nature. Those with a history of heart disease, women who are pregnant or nursing, and those afflicted with vertigo should avert their gaze.
So, I purchased a new camera this week... 10 megapixels, 6x optical zoom, and a macro mode to die for. In other words, this is really going to get graphic, folks.
Do you see them? Do you see those shy little guys? Imagine how much more full and manly this 'stache would be if I could just field a full team.
Oh, lest we forget about Ol' Cool Hand. He's the one in the lower left corner, turning up his nose at your social mores. Let's pay that ol' boy a visit.
Hey there, Cool Hand. Looking good!
'Stache Stats
# of Hairs = 225, rough count
Avg. Length of Hair = 13/64 in.
Total Mustache Growth (TMG) = 45.7 in.
Despite the lack of new hairs, we're still up to a whopping 3 ft., 10 in. of mustache growth! If you're having trouble visualizing all that growth embodied in one giant whisker, maybe this will help:
Once again, the mustache data was fed into Cal-Berkley's supercomputer. While the computer still ultimately projects an Adam Morrison 'stache match, it can now use the multi-week datapoints to generate alternate scenarios. If new growth improves (dependent upon the quality of my motivational speeches), the computer envisions a potential 'stache match with... Orlando Bloom. NOTE: prettiness is not factored into the calculations.
While still lacking in fullness, notice the even growth distribution and respectable hair length. Here's to hoping.
Until next week,
Matt "Mo Staches Mo Problems"
1 comment:
One thing to note is that it's good that you put yourself in the capable hands of the folks at Cal-Berkley. Had you tried to use a super computer at Stanford or Cal Tech, they would have told you to take a hike and carry your hippy ass with you.
Had you tried to find a super computer on the campus of Arizona State, well, let's just say that all their super computers go into calculating algorithms for getting underage girls onto the back of the Girls Gone Wild bus. Hey yo.
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