Misc. Matt

What the Easter Bunny Left Me....

2009-04-12T09:34:00.001-07:00

Special Guest Contributor: Skip Long

2009-01-13T19:53:00.001-08:00

Mr. Long bested me in the M4K fundraising challenge, thus earning him the right to have his way with my blog for a post. But make no mistake dear reader, I am the true winner of this gentlemen's agreement. Skip's insight, wit and intelligent commentary are blessing upon the Misc. Matt pages.

It's all yours, Lawrence!

Final 'Stache Update

2008-12-17T11:58:00.000-08:00

Hello Donors!

Well, it's done. I 'stache no more. I'd like to extend one final "thank you" for your generosity... together we've raised $626 for inner-city schools and funded three classroom projects. There's now a nice, clean reading rug in Ms. R's 1st grade classroom, Ms. T has supplemental materials for students who finish their work quickly, and Ms. M has a collection of science books at various reading levels for her special needs students. Job well done.

On a more grandiose scale, the M4K Chicago chapter raised $28,441, and nationally the organization topped $296,500. Look at what a month's worth of mustache can do!

Today's update follows the usual format, except in lieu of Mustache Microscope I've added a very special video grand finale.

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more.

Mugshot

Lip Service

Tuesday was the M4K 'Stache Bash, and I'm thrilled to announce that my excellent 'stache and I won the "Wednesday's Mustache" award! The honor is bestowed upon "the mustache that needed one more day." The prize was a tube of spiking glue to help augment the wimpy whiskers. So while my mustache may now officially be the worst in the biz, that doesn't mean we can't have a little fun with it.

Spiked 'stache.

And snow 'stache.

'Stache Stats

# of Hairs = 225, rough count
Avg. Length of Hair = 1/2 in.
Total Mustache Growth (TMG) = 112.5 in.

Grand Total: 9 feet, 4.5 inches of mustache! If you need a visual, picture Jordan dunking on it.

Awesome, no?

We'd like to also thank the folks at Cal-Berkley for time on their supercomputer. In exchange for their wonderful forecasting services throughout the growing season, they've asked me to conduct a poll to see which iteration my donors feel best matches my final mustache. They will use this feedback to improve their alogrithms for future work, so your vote counts!

The Grand Finale

Of course, we couldn't say farewell without concluding the tale of Ol' Cool Hand. As you may have feared, things didn't end well for our follicle friend. Cool Hand, you gave us hope. You will not soon be forgotten.

And that's that. Thanks for tuning in.

Sincerely,
Matt "Mo Staches Mo Problems"

NOTE: This blog will continue to be active, serving as a space for my personal musings. Feel free to stop by from time to time.

'Stache Update - Week 4

2008-12-12T16:55:00.000-08:00

Hellooo Donors!

How the heck are ya? Me, I'm great, thanks for asking. Believe it or not, our time together is almost at an end! Next week will be the final update, but man is it going to be an absolute doozy. Let's not get ahead of ourselves, though... your week 4 'Stache Update!

The Mugshot

Lip Service

"The Stragler." That is the name of my week 4 mustache. You know that kid in gym glass who would always be a couple steps behind everyone else? Always the first one eliminated in "Red Light-Green Light"? A bit developmentally challenged, and just generally out of it? Yeah, the same kid who really sucked at Phonics. Well, that's my 'stache.

No amount of dieting, exercise, encouragement, coercing or punishment (yes, I may have tried to punish my mustache) is going to help this guy. He's just special. God put him on my face to make others feel better about themselves. Honestly. Google image search "worst mustache," "awful mustache," "terrible mustache," and "disgusting mustache"... I defy you to find one worse than mine. Really, try it.

It's OK, though, I'm coping. I mean, I never expected it to look good. But there was an inkling of hope, somewhere down deep. While that hope is now dashed, I remind myself that my failure as a mustache grower is a child's success in the classroom. (We've funded a second project, btw!) And that's what gets me through the day.

Those of you who don't see me on a regular basis may be surprised to hear that my mustache is not growing alone. Oh no, he has an accomplice. A partner in crime; aiding, abetting and whatnot. That's right, I'm also growing... (drum roll)... a mullet! I figure if you're going to look like a goon, you might as well do it right. And I am doing it right. I can't honestly say it began on purpose (which is why I will soon be the proud owner of a handheld mirror), but once it began I decided to let it ride. Which leads me to the special request I received a few weeks back from one of our generous donors. I'd be remiss not to oblige. I present to you, Matt Dirt!

Man, it must'a stormed somethin' fierce last night, 'cause that Kentucky Waterfall is flowin'!

Mustache Microscope

DISCLAIMER: This section contains mustache images of a graphic nature. Those with a history of heart disease, women who are pregnant or nursing, and those afflicted with vertigo should avert their gaze.

It's baaa-ack! You know you missed it ;) This week, I thought I'd spotlight the non-Cool Hand side of my 'stache. It's been paying its dues, but never gets any of the member benefits. So here ya go.

Notice the unity. The overlapping whiskers work together to trap light, making the region appear darker that it otherwise would. Yes, the whole truly is greater than the sum of its parts.

And what about Ol' Cool Hand? It's been a while since we've heard from him. Well, that's because Ol' Cool Hand sprung the coop! That's right, he busted free! No need to fret, though, Cool Hand is having himself one heck of a time. Matter of fact, he sent me this postcard just the other day. That ol' dog!

'Stache Stats

(In order not to spoil the final growth totals, I'm withholding statistics for this week. You'll get a full report next time, I promise.)

For the third iteration, the mustache data was fed into Cal-Berkley's supercomputer. The Adam Morrison-match probability has dropped somewhat, due to the lack of remaining grow time. I think I would have caught him in another couple weeks, but this 'stache isn't sticking around to find out. Upon recalculation, the computer parsed its database for a mustache equally feeble, but further underdeveloped. The week 4 'stache match is... Emperor Hirohito. NOTE: evilness is not factored into the calculations.

See you at the finish line,
Matt "Mo Staches Mo Problems"

'Stache Update - Week 3

2008-12-04T18:56:00.000-08:00

Hello again, Donors!

Welcome to week 3. Due to the overwhelming (-ly negative) response to last week's Mustache Microscope segment, I've decided to depart from the standard update format this week. Mix it up a bit. You deserve a break.

Of course, without The Mugshot this whole endeavor would really become pointless. So we'll do that. Then we'll launch into "Musings of a Mustached Man," a reflective essay about where the mustache fits into the grand scheme of things. Shall we? OK.

The Mugshot

Musings of a Mustached Man

Man has had facial hair ever since, well, man became man. Homo sapiens sapiens. That would be roughly 160,000 BC (if you buy into the whole "evolution" thing). Hair in general serves many purposes, such as providing warmth, protection from the elements, filtration of harmful particles, sensory extension, reduction of friction, and the trapping of scents and pheromones. As our human ancestors evolved, the need for thick coats of hair diminished. The Savanna Theory hypothesizes that hominid invention (i.e., use of tools) resulted in increased hunting activity during the day, under a sweltering African sun. Evolution compensated by reducing the amount body hair, which in turn improved the evaporation of sweat (to aid in cooling). Skin pigmentation then increased to provided protection from the sun in the absence of hair. Fascinating, no?

After about 60,000 years of unregulated growth, man came to find excessively long hair somewhat of a nuisance. The first method of hair removal is believed to be plucking, utilizing two seashells as tweezers. It was another 70,000 years before the dawn of the razor - a sharpened piece of flint used to lop off unwanted hair (and I thought my Schick Slim Twins were rough).

Once man began to shave, he discovered/devised various practical and cultural reasons for doing so. In all the experimentation, it was inevitable that a permutation now known as the mustache would come into being. The first historical evidence of the mustache comes from a Scythian painting, dated to 300 BC, depicting a mustachioed man wearing a cape on horseback [yes, insert Zorro quip here].

So 2300 years later, I too have a mustache on my face (humor me please, we're not all of Scythian decent). Considering the vast progress we've made as a species over those millenia, what relevance does the mustache hold in modern society? After spending three intimate weeks with one, I hope to provide some insight.

The answer lies in the fact that the mustache is completely and utterly arbitrary. Throwing out arguments rooted in ever-shifting social mores (professionalism, manliness, attractiveness, charitable deeds, etc.), there exists no fundamental reason to grow or not grow hair on one's upper lip. If there were truly a logical, universal reason, wouldn't some smart individual have uncovered it in the last 2300 years? In this sense, the mustache is a microcosm of life itself. There is no single, absolute answer as to why. So the mustache perseveres, just like life.

What, then, can the mustache teach us? Plenty. Taking a cue from the Chinese yin-yang, allow me to introduce the mustache's min-mang:

Min - Today's man believes himself to be one of technological sophistication. We've got robotic vaccuum cleaners, magic cell phone thingies, flying cars (well, not quite), and shavers that wish they were designed by NASA. Yes, we really are on the cutting edge. Then again, which generation wasn't? Until we figure out that confounded time travel, every new generation will be on the brink of discovery. But it makes a man feel good to say thinks like, "Wow, what an amazing time to be alive!" Makes a man feel accomplished, advanced. It lifts him above the simple animal, and even above his predecessors. These are the same instincts that drive a man to be clean shaven.

Mang - At the same time, man knows that regardless of his sophistication, he is not a god. Like the animals around us, we too need air, water and nourishment. Like our fathers before us, we too will experience sadness and joy, hatred and love. We will always face conflict, always endure hardship, and always ponder our own mortality. No matter what height our technology reaches, we cannot rightfully deny this primal, animalistic element of humanity. We must respect the natural order of life. These are the same instincts that drive a man to let his facial hair grow free.

And when you find the Min and Mang in concert, you find the balanced man. The man who tempers sophistication with humility, advancement with reverence. The man who is not clean shaven, but does not grow a full beard. The man who wears... a mustache.

- Matt "Mo Staches Mo Problems"

References: http://www.wikipedia.com/, http://www.quikshave.com/timeline.htm

'Stache Update - Week 2

2008-11-28T14:08:00.000-08:00

Welp, the picture says it all. Hello and Happy Thanksgiving!

A day late, but hopefully not a dollar short. My apologies, I got caught up in the festivities. Let's jump right into it then.

The Mugshot

Lip Service

"The Highwayman." Robbing stagecoaches and such. That's how my week 2 'stache makes me feel. A little surly. A bit of an outlaw. People can't quite figure out where I'm coming from, and they're a tad uneasy in my presence. No clear-thinking, reasonable individual would allow that to be on his face. He must have some crossed wiring. He must have nothing to lose.

The good news is that the existing whiskers are growing steadily. The bad news is that they are alone in their efforts. As feared, my upper lip is suffering from Latent Follicle Syndrome (LFS, for short). Apparently there are a bunch of whiskers who didn't get the memo about puberty. "Oh, were you talking to us 14 years ago? (OK, OK, six years ago)" they ask, naively. You can see them just peeking out, being very noncommital about the whole thing. I can't really blame them, though; they're the smart ones. Hangin' back, chillin' out. Not having to worry about when the next gleaming metal blade is coming to mow them down.

Oh, but if I could only convice them! If they could only see what their participation means! Forget healthy eating (that didn't happen anyway), it's time for Rockne-esque motivational speeches. Additionally, I'm now watching this video every night before bed. Keep your fingers crossed that week 3 will bring more favorable results.

Mustache Microscope

DISCLAIMER: This section contains mustache images of a graphic nature. Those with a history of heart disease, women who are pregnant or nursing, and those afflicted with vertigo should avert their gaze.

So, I purchased a new camera this week... 10 megapixels, 6x optical zoom, and a macro mode to die for. In other words, this is really going to get graphic, folks.

Do you see them? Do you see those shy little guys? Imagine how much more full and manly this 'stache would be if I could just field a full team.

Oh, lest we forget about Ol' Cool Hand. He's the one in the lower left corner, turning up his nose at your social mores. Let's pay that ol' boy a visit.

Hey there, Cool Hand. Looking good!

'Stache Stats

# of Hairs = 225, rough count
Avg. Length of Hair = 13/64 in.
Total Mustache Growth (TMG) = 45.7 in.

Despite the lack of new hairs, we're still up to a whopping 3 ft., 10 in. of mustache growth! If you're having trouble visualizing all that growth embodied in one giant whisker, maybe this will help:

Once again, the mustache data was fed into Cal-Berkley's supercomputer. While the computer still ultimately projects an Adam Morrison 'stache match, it can now use the multi-week datapoints to generate alternate scenarios. If new growth improves (dependent upon the quality of my motivational speeches), the computer envisions a potential 'stache match with... Orlando Bloom. NOTE: prettiness is not factored into the calculations.

While still lacking in fullness, notice the even growth distribution and respectable hair length. Here's to hoping.

Until next week,
Matt "Mo Staches Mo Problems"

'Stache Update - Week 1

2008-11-20T08:40:00.000-08:00

Hello Donors!

The moment you surely have been waiting for... the Week 1 'Stache Update!

First and foremost, thank you for your support. Financially, we've already earned enough to buy a reading-time rug for a 1st grade classroom! Morally, I've been able to keep this fragile psyche patched up. So thanks again!

Each weekly 'Stache Updates will feature:
- The Mugshot
- Lip Service (a summary of mustache developments)
- Mustache Microscope (close-up mustache pics)
- 'Stache Stats

So without further ado....

The Mugshot

Lip Service

"The Seedling." That is the name of my 'stache for week 1. While my follicle density leaves something to be desired, the growth rate is actually surprising. On average human hair grows at a rate of 1/2 inch per month, and my mustache seems to be keeping pace. Hmmm, sparse but long hairs on the upper lip... the recipe for creepy. Hey does anyone know how to braid? ;)

My strategy for week 2 is to eat healthy so those little guys have some fuel for growth, and to pray that a few more whiskers show up late to the party. If they don't, I'm going to have to invent some type of mustache comb-over, utilizing the length of existing hairs to cover up any bald spots. Yikes.

There is one whisker I'm particularly proud of. He is located at the very lower fringe, and is growing against the grain. Ah, a rebel... he will hence forth be known as Ol' Cool Hand. I'll point him out in "Mustache Microscope."

Mustache Microscope

DISCLAIMER: This section contains mustache images of a graphic nature. Those with a history of heart disease, women who are pregnant or nursing, and those afflicted with vertigo should avert their gaze.

Here is a close up of my upper lip, so you can get a true feel for what is going on up there:

And introducing Ol' Cool Hand. Man I love this guy!

'Stache Stats

# of Hairs = 225, rough count
Avg. Length of Hair = 7/64 in.
Total Mustache Growth (TMG) = 24.6 in.

That's right, over 2 feet of mustache grown!!!

Because not all portions of my upper lip were created equal, below is an analysis of my week 1 progress. These growing zones will help you visualize the pattern of my 'stache's future growth.

Zone #1: Turtle
Zone #2: 3-Legged Rabbit
Zone #3: Rabbit

This analysis was also fed into a Cal-Berkley supercomputer, where a series of algorithms were implemented to project final growth results and match those results with the appearance of a well-known, mustachioed figure. At the end of week 1, the computer predicts my mustache will be a match with... (cue music from horror movie) Adam Morrison, of Gonzaga basketball fame. Notice the heavy mouth-corner growth, with increasing scarcity toward the mid-lip. Things could get ugly folks; stay tuned.

Kindly,
Matt "Mo Staches Mo Problems"